It wasn't until I became a mother that I understood how cutting a judgment from another mother can be. We all have our opinions and there's nothing wrong with having them. One of the things people seem to be most opinionated about is raising kids. These opinions become sinful when it is more about them being a bad parent and you being a good parent. Before I get into anything, I should clarify that I'm not talking about things that put a child's safety or emotional well-being in jeopardy. I'm talking about things like, "Oh, was that the only way you could put him to sleep?" or "Your baby is so clingy. You probably need to have her around more babies."
I've gotten some incredible advice from women who have been where I've been. Most often this comes when I'm sharing my heart/fears/story with a lady, and give her the green light to share her wisdom. I have also had other mommies (gently and without an ulterior motive) say something like, "What really worked for me was...."
MOMMIES! Please use these vulnerable moments to encourage and uplift rather than destroy one another.
In addition to the great advice I've been given, I've also gotten some pretty terrible advice. Most of this advice came with the phrase "Just wait".
"Just Wait"
I'm not sure there's another phrase in the English language that I abhor more. We wouldn't tell our child who has just fallen and scrapped their knee, "Just wait until you're being pushed by a bully. Then you'll really feel pain."
So why do we say this to each other?
In this scenario, what you would really be communicating to your child is, "Though your pain may feel great now, your very limited experience is the reason why you think it's such a big deal. When you grow up and get to be as experienced as I am, then you'll really understand. Until then, you're small, small, small and I'm big, big, big."
So why have I heard mother after mother say "just wait" to one another?
"Just wait until she's a teenager."
"Just wait until you have more kids."
"Just wait until she's older (like my kids). Then you'll understand."
So why do we do it? PRIDE.
I've felt it. In my short time as a mommy, I've been asked for advice a few times. I immediately felt sinful pride well up in me. I had to stop, take a breath, and remember that this mommy is being vulnerable with me as I've been with many others. She needs love, help, encouragement, and empathy. She doesn't need me to prove that I've got it worse than her. And she doesn't need me to shove my greatness or "perfection" on her.
Do we really think we're perfect? For the vast majority of us, absolutely not. Most of us are painfully aware of just how far we fall short at this parenting thing. So when the moment arrives when we think there's at least one person who's more lost than we are, we pounce. We may not come in first, but we're certainly not going to be last.
What we should say
So should I just keep my mouth shut? Sometimes, yes. If I'm just looking for opportunities to insert my two cents, I should probably keep them to myself. What I really need to do is pray and encourage.
What about the judgments that aren't verbalized? I know a great mom who is much more relaxed (less-stressed) than me. Let's be honest, I'm jealous. My despicable human flesh wants to say, "Well, she should do more ... and be more (like me)". Praise God I'm redeemed in Him because of His great grace. I certainly don't deserve it.
I can pray for this wonderful momma and encourage her in the traits she has. I can admire what she is without pointing out what she is not.
I've focused on comments made directly to other mothers, but the same is true if it is an unspoken thought and certainly if you are gossiping.
So I don't know about you, but this little mommy is going to be very careful what she says. I'll undoubtedly mess up, have to ask the other mommy for forgiveness, and depend on God to help me encourage instead of tear down.
I've gotten some incredible advice from women who have been where I've been. Most often this comes when I'm sharing my heart/fears/story with a lady, and give her the green light to share her wisdom. I have also had other mommies (gently and without an ulterior motive) say something like, "What really worked for me was...."
MOMMIES! Please use these vulnerable moments to encourage and uplift rather than destroy one another.
In addition to the great advice I've been given, I've also gotten some pretty terrible advice. Most of this advice came with the phrase "Just wait".
"Just Wait"
I'm not sure there's another phrase in the English language that I abhor more. We wouldn't tell our child who has just fallen and scrapped their knee, "Just wait until you're being pushed by a bully. Then you'll really feel pain."
So why do we say this to each other?
In this scenario, what you would really be communicating to your child is, "Though your pain may feel great now, your very limited experience is the reason why you think it's such a big deal. When you grow up and get to be as experienced as I am, then you'll really understand. Until then, you're small, small, small and I'm big, big, big."
So why have I heard mother after mother say "just wait" to one another?
"Just wait until she's a teenager."
"Just wait until you have more kids."
"Just wait until she's older (like my kids). Then you'll understand."
So why do we do it? PRIDE.
I've felt it. In my short time as a mommy, I've been asked for advice a few times. I immediately felt sinful pride well up in me. I had to stop, take a breath, and remember that this mommy is being vulnerable with me as I've been with many others. She needs love, help, encouragement, and empathy. She doesn't need me to prove that I've got it worse than her. And she doesn't need me to shove my greatness or "perfection" on her.
Do we really think we're perfect? For the vast majority of us, absolutely not. Most of us are painfully aware of just how far we fall short at this parenting thing. So when the moment arrives when we think there's at least one person who's more lost than we are, we pounce. We may not come in first, but we're certainly not going to be last.
What we should say
So should I just keep my mouth shut? Sometimes, yes. If I'm just looking for opportunities to insert my two cents, I should probably keep them to myself. What I really need to do is pray and encourage.
What about the judgments that aren't verbalized? I know a great mom who is much more relaxed (less-stressed) than me. Let's be honest, I'm jealous. My despicable human flesh wants to say, "Well, she should do more ... and be more (like me)". Praise God I'm redeemed in Him because of His great grace. I certainly don't deserve it.
I can pray for this wonderful momma and encourage her in the traits she has. I can admire what she is without pointing out what she is not.
I've focused on comments made directly to other mothers, but the same is true if it is an unspoken thought and certainly if you are gossiping.
So I don't know about you, but this little mommy is going to be very careful what she says. I'll undoubtedly mess up, have to ask the other mommy for forgiveness, and depend on God to help me encourage instead of tear down.